And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize