What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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