just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
