Swine flu. Run for my life!
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
