Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
