he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
