saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
