I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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