I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
