so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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