My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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