Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
