Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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