You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
