This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
