I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
