i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
