I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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