im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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