I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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