i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
