I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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