I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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