this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
