Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
