i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
