Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize