Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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