I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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