Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
