We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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