Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
