I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
