I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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