Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
