please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
