Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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