we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
