Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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