Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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