dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
