is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize