But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
