I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I cut my penus on the lid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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