i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
