if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
