All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
