Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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