I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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