I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
