i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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