if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
