Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
