What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
