I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize