I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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